Imaginary Friend

I’m really not sure while starting this one whether it will turn out alright. The truth is I really want to express some ideas and feelings right now but I’m a bit unsure because I was thinking that if I finally got through with this, maybe an error would appear again and just end up being frustrated once again for not having posted this at the time that I desired. But then again, I continued…actually, I am continuing this, as you can see. I tried to reread my previous posts and I never expected that I would be put into tears by some phrases that I had written during my last one. The very last one and the very recent issues that I’m trying to settle with myself.

It’s still four months away ’til March. Still four months to endure my suffering. And I’m not even sure that it will really end by that time. Do I sound like too eager to get away? Coz that’s not really what I’m feeling right now. Actually, I have already accepted the fact that there’s no turning back now. That I will really have to finish what I have started last September. That there will be very little chance for me to get away. And I have decided that I will have to stop thinking about on how to escape my current situation for the mean time. I will just settle with the very little source of happiness that my environment can offer as of the moment. 

Actually, the idea of Christmas approaching is helping me to cheer up. Not because it can help me in anything that has to do with making my burdens light and washing away my pain. But it’s because when I think of this season, I can’t shrugg off the feeling of being hopeful even just for a short time. I still believe that I will be somehow happy for Christmas. I am even more enthusiastic about it this year than last year. And I’m actually making plans already, for a change. But then again, I know that it will not take my worries away with my present condition. Anyway, I still relish the idea and nothing can stop me from it.

For now, I’m trying to ignore all the bitterness there could be in my situation. When I’ve come to think of it, I know that I wouldn’t want to be like this. No one does. Even if I can’t help feeling like I’m a mediocre, I know nobody ever wants to be that way and to stay that way ever. I’m going to stop being hard and rude to myself. I want to make peace with myself. Once and for all, I wanna be kind and stop thinking about the things that have been bothering me. I wanna be FREE!

One time during my last period of stay in my former office, I was burned out already by not having properly turned over my tasks yet. I said to my colleague, "I have no choice but to extend." Then she said, "You have the choice to leave it to your replacement just like that." I said, "I can’t because I know she’ll have a hard time." Then she said, "See, you have a choice because you know that you are not the kind of person who will leave it like that." I just said, "That’s it! It’s because I’m not like that, that’s why."

Sometimes, well most of the time actually, I have the tendency to torture myself more than the others. I guess I am masochistic, psychologically speaking. Hay! That’s why I want to be kinder to myself now. Maybe that will do the trick. And I just want to stop thinking, if that’s possible at all.

Just one more question, why do I always have the feeling that other people are always luckier than I am? Thanks!

This entry was posted on Friday, November 23rd, 2007 at 10:48 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.