Before I Said Good Night
My blog title at the moment might suggest a romantic theme in it but don’t be deceived, because it’s not. It has been a long day for me and it’s rather a not-so-great day. And you might think that it’s just a typical hassle day at work, but I don’t think so! Or maybe it really is and I’m just making such a big fuss out of it because I’m not used to it. As much as how anyone who knows me for sure hated it when I get so cranky, the more I hated myself as well…and what more the people who doesn’t know me at all. Most of the time, my face give it away. I have been misunderstood always. I don’t mean to be such an ulitmate whiner (many people thought of me that way) but I can’t help it! Maybe I’m just asking too much from life or I’m not just so grateful at all. Because no matter what I think, I’ve always thought that there’s lacking in me or in my life or with the way I live. I used to be a very positive thinker, and it "was" one of my greatest assets. But it’s so hard to get it back now that I have already lost it. I’m wondering also why is that so? Reality has a great part on it. Since I have become an advocate of it, it has also become so hard in my part to even attempt optimism. Most of all, it has affected my system too like poison. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what good there is. And the thing is, as much as I wanted to escape this reality, I already can’t. Because I can’t have a chance to take a step back. Since this is so, I can’t help to be a mediocre and I really hate myself for that! I am such a fool for being so hard on myself because I know that this won’t help at all. During my trip back home, I keep on thinking that my situation now is very different from this same period last year. That’s why I also asked, how come? When will that same enthusiasm return? That I won’t be thinking twice anymore of what I have to go through. That I will look forward to everyday of my life almost without noticing that it has passed already. In the long run, when will I be happy again despite the odds? As I am going through all these, I still don’t know what or how to think. I don’t even know how long I will last. Maybe not any longer. I don’t know. As I’ve said, I find it hard to think positively. I can’t think straight. Just imagine how will I teach to my students. I’m sorry I can’t help to be a mediocre. It’s difficult to commit yourself to something when you are unsure and at the same time unhappy. That’s a very odd combination and feeling too.
On the way home this evening, I tried to calm myself down by stopping over in a fastfood and eat of course. I almost burned a hundred bill for a spaghetti meal and rocky road sundae just like that. I did the same thing yesterday for lasagna meal in another chain. See how extravagant could I be just for food?! Then when I got home, I tried to distract myself by our pc and let myself enjoy surfing my usual waves in the net. When I was already enjoying editing and uploading pics, I decided that I would stop by 12 midnight so I can rest. I would have been contented already, had it not been for that sudden error that kept on appearing on screen of the pc. I can’t believe I’ve wasted more than an hour looking for those pics just to be disappointed at the last minute for not having it uploaded yet. So naturally, I would want to extend and I did, as you can see! Now, it’s already around 2am and I just remembered I’ve still got no decent undies for tommorrow or should I say later. That’s how I always go these days. Acting at the spur of the moment which is really not advisable if you’re a teacher. My only consolation is that, I don’t have one-on-one session with my special student for today and I only have 3 classes.
One good thought though, I believe that it’s a miracle that I have some of the things that I’m having right now and I’ve been wanting for so long too. So thanks to miracles! Now, it’s time to let tommorrow to worry for itself. hahahahaha!
