Imaginary Friend

The first time I ever questioned my life’s existence was during college days. I had episodes of very serious anxiety attacks which had lead to insomia every night which had resulted for me to refuse to get up every morning and go to school. Which later on became a dilemma for me to face too. It was as if the world had stopped revolving around me and I had lost the sense of it all. There were moments that I would prepare to go to school, only to find myself not heading there at all. I guess those were the darkest days of my life. I couldn’t believe that was happening to me. But then, there still came a point when I was forced to accept reality and do what I had to do even if I have to face a lot of struggles. The truth is, I’m not invincible and it’s not easy to go on. It would take a lot courage and a great source of strength to get my act together and move along with the rest of the world. I figured that nothing could help me except myself. And so I did. I even accepted the fact that I would be subject to a lot of judgment and criticisms from others and I almost entertained the thought that I would have no chance of friendship with anybody at all. But it didn’t matter to me. Since then I’ve been prepared to be misunderstood and I’ve learned not to explain myself and not to make excuses. What others see from me is just what they truly get and mostly what they just deserve. And of course, this strategy has given me opportunity for a more potential and genuine friendships that I have treasured up to now. This was also one of the things that helped me get through and survived college. I had become an expert in being a student but of course, not an ideal one. That’s not what to expect for somebody in my position. But then I came to realize that what had happened to me during those critical periods of my life was meant to happen and had helped to shape my personality and build my character. I guess I’ve just become a bit daring but I never fancy anyone to follow my footsteps. I might say that I had gone through the so-called untrodden path but it’s not necessary for anybody to do the same. I am neither proud nor embarrassed about it. It just helped me to become the person that I am right now, that’s all. The negative aspect was it also has a tremendous blow in my attitude. I swallowed too much of reality that I’ve grown too pessismistic. How would you like that? I despise myself for it. I got used to the comforts of being a student so much that I dreaded the life after graduation. I knew that there would be much more pressure for me out there and of course I’m scared that there will be no room for someone like me. All this time, I’ve been memorizing and practicing lines in my head in order to defend myself and justify my experiences during interviews. Now, I’ve been into five different jobs already since I graduated from the university. Some say that I’ve been switching jobs rather rapidly. It’s like, I’m getting nowhere and as a matter of fact, I’m planning to move into another job again some time in March. Because as of the moment, I can’t figure a way out and escape reality once again. It’s happening all over again, I can’t help to question my fate. I’m still wondering, why am I stuck in this kind  of mess? What is this for? Is this something that I am going to be thankful for in the future? Just like before? But why can’t I see it now? It seems that something’s not clear here and has always gone wrong. How will everything fall into place, that is, if it will ever be? I’m not sure now.  Why is this happening to me? i don’t know what I really want to do with my life anymore! I am losing it again, all this sense of purpose and shit! I just can’t accept where I am right now. I know it’s really cruel to think this way and I’m really sorry for it. I just can’t shrug off the feeling that nothing will ever go right again. It has always turned out this way and all I’m asking is for something right to happen. Something I know that no matter what happen I’ll never think that I ever wasted time on it. Something that I will really love to do and I know that will really be worth it!  Something that I know I will pursue whatever it takes! Sounds like the movie, huh? So now, let’s cut this crap again and just get on with something more important…than this one, I know! God bless you, whoever you are who have thrown your precious time with this waste… I’m not sure if I have to do this but thanks anyway… mwah! 

My blog title at the moment might suggest a romantic theme in it but don’t be deceived, because it’s not. It has been a long day for me and it’s rather a not-so-great day. And you might think that it’s just a typical hassle day at work, but I don’t think so! Or maybe it really is and I’m just making such a big fuss out of it because I’m not used to it. As much as how anyone who knows me for sure hated it when I get so cranky, the more I hated myself as well…and what more the people who doesn’t know me at all. Most of the time, my face give it away. I have been misunderstood always. I don’t mean to be such an ulitmate whiner (many people thought of me that way) but I can’t help it! Maybe I’m just asking too much from life or I’m not just so grateful at all. Because no matter what I think, I’ve always thought that there’s lacking in me or in my life or with the way I live. I used to be a very positive thinker, and it "was" one of my greatest assets. But it’s so hard to get it back now that I have already lost it. I’m wondering also why is that so? Reality has a great part on it. Since I have become an advocate of it, it has also become so hard in my part to even attempt optimism. Most of all, it has affected my system too like poison. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what good there is. And the thing is, as much as I wanted to escape this reality, I already can’t. Because I can’t have a chance to take a step back. Since this is so, I can’t help to be a mediocre and I really hate myself for that! I am such a fool for being so hard on myself because I know that this won’t help at all. During my trip back home, I keep on thinking that my situation now is very different from this same period last year. That’s why I also asked, how come? When will that same enthusiasm return? That I won’t be thinking twice anymore of what I have to go through. That I will look forward to everyday of my life almost without noticing that it has passed already. In the long run, when will I be happy again despite the odds? As I am going through all these, I still don’t know what or how to think. I don’t even know how long I will last. Maybe not any longer. I don’t know. As I’ve said, I find it hard to think positively. I can’t think straight. Just imagine how will I teach to my students. I’m sorry I can’t help to be a mediocre. It’s difficult to commit yourself to something when you are unsure and at the same time unhappy. That’s a very odd combination and feeling too.

On the way home this evening, I tried to calm myself down by stopping over in a fastfood and eat of course. I almost burned a hundred bill for a spaghetti meal and rocky road sundae just like that. I did the same thing yesterday for lasagna meal in another chain. See how extravagant could I be just for food?! Then when I got home, I tried to distract myself by our pc and let myself enjoy surfing my usual waves in the net. When I was already enjoying editing and uploading pics, I decided that I would stop by 12 midnight so I can rest. I would have been contented already, had it not been for that sudden error that kept on appearing on screen of the pc. I can’t believe I’ve wasted more than an hour looking for those pics just to be disappointed at the last minute for not having it uploaded yet. So naturally, I would want to extend and I did, as you can see! Now, it’s already around 2am and I just remembered I’ve still got no decent undies for tommorrow or should I say later. That’s how I always go these days. Acting at the spur of the moment which is really not advisable if you’re a teacher. My only consolation is that, I don’t have one-on-one session with my special student for today and I only have 3 classes.

One good thought though, I believe that it’s a miracle that I have some of the things that I’m having right now and I’ve been wanting for so long too. So thanks to miracles! Now, it’s time to let tommorrow to worry for itself. hahahahaha!