Imaginary Friend

For some reasons I want to document this because I really like how I came up with my response to this. But I admit, I’m the one who started this with some rather harsh comments (can’t help it eh) and I just came up with very well said excuse…I just hope she won’t get to visit my blog by any chance. Hehe! Besides, she’s not the first person who ever gets disappointed with me (creep!).

She said:

excuse me….did i force you to do so? you are not the only friend i got in the net…ok… i dont sound pathetic asking for comments.thats what friends usually do? y do you sound bitter? anyway… i didnt expect you to say this… you usually are very nice…i am so dissapointed….

I said:

well, sorry to hear (or read)  u see it that way…anyway, ure entitled 2 ur own opinion as well as I am to mine. But remember i also said ‘im so sorry 2 say this’ and ‘im concerned’? obviously, u just ignored that coz ur first impulse is to be defensive.

look, i didnt mean to hurt ur feelings or anything…and I KNOW perfectly that it’s not really from me that ud like to receive comments…uve said it urself, ‘that’s what friends usually do’…and im telling u, that’s exactly my point…u dont have to ask 4 it and i wont tell u again how that made u sounded like…for all we know, u cud have other reasons y ure asking 4 it…and u would not like 2 hear anything else from me about it (for sure)…

u didnt have to make a big deal out of it especially if the opinion came from somebody who’s not that important to u…u could’ve just ignored it and move on..u dont hav to react if u really dont care or if doesnt count for u, right?

glad though that u finally figured one more thing…(reality check) that i am NOT TOO NICE. Congrats!

question: who can guess what i had told her that made her react this way? (100 points)

t’was last March 9, 2008 6:55 am, while I was having a timeout b4 I could finish my test papers in Math….

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL…..

1. Loved? –o cge, i wont be too
ungrateful na..i feel loved everytime
a miracle happens to me at the most
unexpected & vulnerable times of my
life…& of course, everytime my tatay
cooks breakfast 4 me! hehe

2. Miserable? –when my love remains
unrequited & began 2 fade b4 it had
been given a chance..huhu!

3. Confused? –the current state of my
career..i dunno anymore wats best 2 do
next..tsk, tsk!

4. Mesmerized? –when there are many
stars scattered in the sky at night or
at dawn..

5. Goofy? –whenever im around with
some rude people who make me feel
like one (they’re quite a lot actually)

6. At peace? –when im asleep! hehe

7. Dizzy? –when i got 2 smell some
chemicals i guess..

8. Sleepy? –sometimes, after i eat or
if i havent got any sleep the previous
night..

9. Motivated? –if i know im gonna get
something really cool!

10. Sick? –pollution & some other
external forces in the
environment..haha!

11. Perplexed? –when somebody
misinterpreted/misquoted something
that i said or even just the tone of
my voice and blowing it out of
proportion or making a big deal out of
it..

12. Hyper? –i havent been hyper 4 a
long time now..maybe having fun with
friends..

13. Smart? –when i figured something
out on my own or when somebody agrees
with me & listens to my analysis,
observations, or explainations about
something..or even just having a very
interesting conversation with a friend.

14. Embarassed? –some korean a**holes
have started calling me a seahorse in
their language & it has spread all
over the school already. My student
with Oppositional Defiant Disorder had
found out about it & now thanks to
them that’s how he calls me now & he
even spits it out right in my face!

15. Lazy? –when i have to get up in
the morning & go to hell!

16. Determined? – when im rushing &
cramming to beat a deadline..like what
i ought 2 be now but im very, very
tired!

17. Amused? -by some idiosyncrasies of
other people ( oh, i even looked it up
in the dictionary!) hehe

18. Jealous? –by the conveniences &
privileges or even luck that some
people seem to always have..

19. Grateful? – experiences & miracles

20. Creative? –accidents

21. Aggravated -by some
people/situations that u cudnt help 2b
like one, like wen a jeepney driver
suddenly turns to a gasoline station
wen ure running late 4 work..

22. Lonely? –when my friends seem 2
4get me..

23. Nostalgic? –i hav memories with
some distinct scents of some perfumes
or powder, etc.

24. Patient? –despite my moods, im
really patient with people in general.

25. Bitchy? –i hate 2 admit it, but im
like that to my mother most of the
time..

26. Accomplished? –i guess nothing has
made me feel like this..yet!

27. Used? –by a friend, who is not
even aware that’s how her effect 2 me
already..

28. Jolly? –during occasions & pasyals
& of course pag walang pasok as ever!

29. Insecure? -with girls, who
obviously can never ask 4 more!
also..with my nose..ngek!

30. Hopeless? –pag walang datung at
kinalimutan bigla ng mga kaibigan..or when i want 2 escape a certain episode/situation in my life but i juz couldn’t…whew!

31. Satisfied? –having a pc at home
that i thought i would never have..

32. Hopeful? –my tatay’s ideas with
his business ventures! sna mag-succeed
tlg!

33. Frightened? –ghosts and the unknown

34. Joyous? –moments with friends

35. Calm? – sometimes when i commute
or travel coz im usually in deep
thought during these moments..but i
mostly dont look so calm..especially
if the traffic’s getting into me
already..

36. Livid ? –when somebody pushed me
or crossed the line or violating my
space..

37. Dorky? –if ul ask me 2 wear
clothes that i never can imagine
myself wearing!

38. Pessimistic? - my unresolved issues

39. Optimistic? – the firm belief that
somehow & somewhere in time it’s gonna
happen whatever that is..

40. Uncomfortable? –working or staying
with people who are not in good terms
with me, or those who don’t know me
very well coz i know i will be subjected to
judgment anytime..

*i don’t usually do this in my blog but my posting in bulletin hours ago was unsuccesful so it would be better to be stored here…

When was the last time you saw the 6th person on your featured friends? **c michelle, tgal na nga eh! dq na maalala tapos lagi pa kami sa sm sucat nagkikita ng coincidence…bsta lam q, pag ngkikita kme dun laging sunday…

How much older are you than the r default picture taken? **new year yan eh, so mga almost 2 months na

Who was your last text from? **vicky..quotation

What’s the most interesting thing that happened to you today? **nothing really, i just woke up 2hrs ago…well cgro let’s consider what i dreamt of as interesting kc prang may jowa daw ako dun!

What are your favorite numbers? **1,5,7,13,23,27,29

does your crush like you back? **crushes..i dont know..i dont have an ultimate crush na nmn eh & wla rn s knla,so it doesnt really matter if they like me back!

What is your current mood? **invigorating…m2log kb nmn mhgit dose oras eh!

What were you doing before this? **i ate my breakfast/lunch/merienda

What color is the shirt you’re wearing? **stripes of blur,orange&white with some black lining…pajama q2 eh!

Do you have a crazy side? **definitely

Ever had a near death experience? **yeah, i guess so! 2mawid k lng sa kalsada near death na yun db! hehe

What was the highlight of your week? **when i had my check-up with the doctor coz of my asthma..i discovered something new!

Who’s car were you in last? **nu b yan! natanong n2 sa last survey na cnagutan q eh!

What are you listening to? **89.9 magic countdown

Do you get along with girls? **yeah

Last thing you ate? **one triangle of toblerone 4 my dessert

What was the last thing you drank? **h2o

Are you happy right now? **i guess excited coz i found a new job prospect that’s very interesting 4 me that i hope is gonna work out

What’s the last thing someone said to you? **chocolate nlng!

Where is your phone? **yung landline, andun nsa corner katabi ng fax near the window..cp, and2 lng sa ibabaw ng pc table.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? **just one thing, pwede bng dlwa? cgro credit card nlng pra mkbili aq agd preho ng new cp & ipod..

Who makes you happiest right now? **ac2ly..wala! o cge let’s just consider..pag kausap q co-teacher q na c ms. suzette malakas tawanan nmin kya masaya! hahahaha!

What were you doing at midnight last night? **nanunuod ng youtube

What is the last thing you thought about? **il definitely apply with the last job post i found in jobstreet! il groom my resume well for it!

How do you feel about your hair right now? **it’s ok but it’s getting longer so i hope i can have it restyled after i get my next salary!

Where does most of your family live? **family lng db..d2 kme lht sa LP except my nanay who’s in US.

Are you spoiled? **absolutely…NOT!

What color are your eyes? **black..wag ng magdagdag ng kung anu2 png kaartehan! feeling pa! hehe

What is one thing you question a lot? **a lot of things about myself..what im always going through & how i feel.

Are you married? **NO

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex that you loved them? **yes, i did that twice in a letter for my 1st love & the next one..hehe

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? **MARAMI!

Do you miss someone? **i guess not

Did any of your friends go out with any of your ex’s? **not exactly coz he never happened to be my ex..but a friend had gone out w/ a 4mer love of my life!

Are looks important? **im afraid, yes..kht na d pq kgndahan..kya nga frustrating eh!

Where do you keep your money? **sa purse pro mdlas nga dq inaalis sa salary envlop un eh,kumukuha nlng aq dun! hehe!

Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset? **sunset kc pgkatpos nun mdilim na at malamig! heeeeh! but actually i like them both kya kung ksma q love q either way..ayos prn db!

i want to thank all of u, my special friends from past, present, & future, for remembering my birthday in your own special way……and especially for all the beautiful wishes u have given me……….

thanks so much! sulit na sulit nq sa mga greetings nyo dhl ung iba xenyo ive never heard from since time immemorial…

THANKS AGAIN! LABYU & I MISS U ALL!!!
MWAH!!!

I’m really not sure while starting this one whether it will turn out alright. The truth is I really want to express some ideas and feelings right now but I’m a bit unsure because I was thinking that if I finally got through with this, maybe an error would appear again and just end up being frustrated once again for not having posted this at the time that I desired. But then again, I continued…actually, I am continuing this, as you can see. I tried to reread my previous posts and I never expected that I would be put into tears by some phrases that I had written during my last one. The very last one and the very recent issues that I’m trying to settle with myself.

It’s still four months away ’til March. Still four months to endure my suffering. And I’m not even sure that it will really end by that time. Do I sound like too eager to get away? Coz that’s not really what I’m feeling right now. Actually, I have already accepted the fact that there’s no turning back now. That I will really have to finish what I have started last September. That there will be very little chance for me to get away. And I have decided that I will have to stop thinking about on how to escape my current situation for the mean time. I will just settle with the very little source of happiness that my environment can offer as of the moment. 

Actually, the idea of Christmas approaching is helping me to cheer up. Not because it can help me in anything that has to do with making my burdens light and washing away my pain. But it’s because when I think of this season, I can’t shrugg off the feeling of being hopeful even just for a short time. I still believe that I will be somehow happy for Christmas. I am even more enthusiastic about it this year than last year. And I’m actually making plans already, for a change. But then again, I know that it will not take my worries away with my present condition. Anyway, I still relish the idea and nothing can stop me from it.

For now, I’m trying to ignore all the bitterness there could be in my situation. When I’ve come to think of it, I know that I wouldn’t want to be like this. No one does. Even if I can’t help feeling like I’m a mediocre, I know nobody ever wants to be that way and to stay that way ever. I’m going to stop being hard and rude to myself. I want to make peace with myself. Once and for all, I wanna be kind and stop thinking about the things that have been bothering me. I wanna be FREE!

One time during my last period of stay in my former office, I was burned out already by not having properly turned over my tasks yet. I said to my colleague, "I have no choice but to extend." Then she said, "You have the choice to leave it to your replacement just like that." I said, "I can’t because I know she’ll have a hard time." Then she said, "See, you have a choice because you know that you are not the kind of person who will leave it like that." I just said, "That’s it! It’s because I’m not like that, that’s why."

Sometimes, well most of the time actually, I have the tendency to torture myself more than the others. I guess I am masochistic, psychologically speaking. Hay! That’s why I want to be kinder to myself now. Maybe that will do the trick. And I just want to stop thinking, if that’s possible at all.

Just one more question, why do I always have the feeling that other people are always luckier than I am? Thanks!

The first time I ever questioned my life’s existence was during college days. I had episodes of very serious anxiety attacks which had lead to insomia every night which had resulted for me to refuse to get up every morning and go to school. Which later on became a dilemma for me to face too. It was as if the world had stopped revolving around me and I had lost the sense of it all. There were moments that I would prepare to go to school, only to find myself not heading there at all. I guess those were the darkest days of my life. I couldn’t believe that was happening to me. But then, there still came a point when I was forced to accept reality and do what I had to do even if I have to face a lot of struggles. The truth is, I’m not invincible and it’s not easy to go on. It would take a lot courage and a great source of strength to get my act together and move along with the rest of the world. I figured that nothing could help me except myself. And so I did. I even accepted the fact that I would be subject to a lot of judgment and criticisms from others and I almost entertained the thought that I would have no chance of friendship with anybody at all. But it didn’t matter to me. Since then I’ve been prepared to be misunderstood and I’ve learned not to explain myself and not to make excuses. What others see from me is just what they truly get and mostly what they just deserve. And of course, this strategy has given me opportunity for a more potential and genuine friendships that I have treasured up to now. This was also one of the things that helped me get through and survived college. I had become an expert in being a student but of course, not an ideal one. That’s not what to expect for somebody in my position. But then I came to realize that what had happened to me during those critical periods of my life was meant to happen and had helped to shape my personality and build my character. I guess I’ve just become a bit daring but I never fancy anyone to follow my footsteps. I might say that I had gone through the so-called untrodden path but it’s not necessary for anybody to do the same. I am neither proud nor embarrassed about it. It just helped me to become the person that I am right now, that’s all. The negative aspect was it also has a tremendous blow in my attitude. I swallowed too much of reality that I’ve grown too pessismistic. How would you like that? I despise myself for it. I got used to the comforts of being a student so much that I dreaded the life after graduation. I knew that there would be much more pressure for me out there and of course I’m scared that there will be no room for someone like me. All this time, I’ve been memorizing and practicing lines in my head in order to defend myself and justify my experiences during interviews. Now, I’ve been into five different jobs already since I graduated from the university. Some say that I’ve been switching jobs rather rapidly. It’s like, I’m getting nowhere and as a matter of fact, I’m planning to move into another job again some time in March. Because as of the moment, I can’t figure a way out and escape reality once again. It’s happening all over again, I can’t help to question my fate. I’m still wondering, why am I stuck in this kind  of mess? What is this for? Is this something that I am going to be thankful for in the future? Just like before? But why can’t I see it now? It seems that something’s not clear here and has always gone wrong. How will everything fall into place, that is, if it will ever be? I’m not sure now.  Why is this happening to me? i don’t know what I really want to do with my life anymore! I am losing it again, all this sense of purpose and shit! I just can’t accept where I am right now. I know it’s really cruel to think this way and I’m really sorry for it. I just can’t shrug off the feeling that nothing will ever go right again. It has always turned out this way and all I’m asking is for something right to happen. Something I know that no matter what happen I’ll never think that I ever wasted time on it. Something that I will really love to do and I know that will really be worth it!  Something that I know I will pursue whatever it takes! Sounds like the movie, huh? So now, let’s cut this crap again and just get on with something more important…than this one, I know! God bless you, whoever you are who have thrown your precious time with this waste… I’m not sure if I have to do this but thanks anyway… mwah! 

My blog title at the moment might suggest a romantic theme in it but don’t be deceived, because it’s not. It has been a long day for me and it’s rather a not-so-great day. And you might think that it’s just a typical hassle day at work, but I don’t think so! Or maybe it really is and I’m just making such a big fuss out of it because I’m not used to it. As much as how anyone who knows me for sure hated it when I get so cranky, the more I hated myself as well…and what more the people who doesn’t know me at all. Most of the time, my face give it away. I have been misunderstood always. I don’t mean to be such an ulitmate whiner (many people thought of me that way) but I can’t help it! Maybe I’m just asking too much from life or I’m not just so grateful at all. Because no matter what I think, I’ve always thought that there’s lacking in me or in my life or with the way I live. I used to be a very positive thinker, and it "was" one of my greatest assets. But it’s so hard to get it back now that I have already lost it. I’m wondering also why is that so? Reality has a great part on it. Since I have become an advocate of it, it has also become so hard in my part to even attempt optimism. Most of all, it has affected my system too like poison. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what good there is. And the thing is, as much as I wanted to escape this reality, I already can’t. Because I can’t have a chance to take a step back. Since this is so, I can’t help to be a mediocre and I really hate myself for that! I am such a fool for being so hard on myself because I know that this won’t help at all. During my trip back home, I keep on thinking that my situation now is very different from this same period last year. That’s why I also asked, how come? When will that same enthusiasm return? That I won’t be thinking twice anymore of what I have to go through. That I will look forward to everyday of my life almost without noticing that it has passed already. In the long run, when will I be happy again despite the odds? As I am going through all these, I still don’t know what or how to think. I don’t even know how long I will last. Maybe not any longer. I don’t know. As I’ve said, I find it hard to think positively. I can’t think straight. Just imagine how will I teach to my students. I’m sorry I can’t help to be a mediocre. It’s difficult to commit yourself to something when you are unsure and at the same time unhappy. That’s a very odd combination and feeling too.

On the way home this evening, I tried to calm myself down by stopping over in a fastfood and eat of course. I almost burned a hundred bill for a spaghetti meal and rocky road sundae just like that. I did the same thing yesterday for lasagna meal in another chain. See how extravagant could I be just for food?! Then when I got home, I tried to distract myself by our pc and let myself enjoy surfing my usual waves in the net. When I was already enjoying editing and uploading pics, I decided that I would stop by 12 midnight so I can rest. I would have been contented already, had it not been for that sudden error that kept on appearing on screen of the pc. I can’t believe I’ve wasted more than an hour looking for those pics just to be disappointed at the last minute for not having it uploaded yet. So naturally, I would want to extend and I did, as you can see! Now, it’s already around 2am and I just remembered I’ve still got no decent undies for tommorrow or should I say later. That’s how I always go these days. Acting at the spur of the moment which is really not advisable if you’re a teacher. My only consolation is that, I don’t have one-on-one session with my special student for today and I only have 3 classes.

One good thought though, I believe that it’s a miracle that I have some of the things that I’m having right now and I’ve been wanting for so long too. So thanks to miracles! Now, it’s time to let tommorrow to worry for itself. hahahahaha!   

this was a hit song during my 5th grade. it was also a favorite song of mine back then and when we had a project in MAPE to interpret a song through drawing in 1/4 illustration board, i chose this one. i also got the idea of my interpretation on a commercial campaign about garbage of a local tv network. Also, my teacher declared it as the best interpretation in our class (too much for originality, huh).

little did I know that I would be singing the same song years later. I actually sang this song in the videooke last new year in a relative’s home. I thought that it was indeed very timely because i was close to turning 25 at that time. And recently, I’ve been feeling to sing the same song again in assessment of over 25 years of my life. I’ve always thought that at this age I could be something. I guess I was wrong because up until now I’m still yearning for something more and important to happen in my life. Sadly, I am not still too close in getting it. That’s why here it goes again…

25 years of my life and still
I’m trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
for whatever that means
‘n so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
just to get it all out what’s in my head
‘n I, I’m feeling a little peculiar
‘n so I wake in the morning and I step outside
‘n I take a deep breath
‘n I get real high
‘n I scream from the top of my lungs
what’s goin’ on
and I say hey-ey-ey…
and I said hey what’s going on
and I say hey…
I said hey what’s going on
and I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
in this institution
and I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray ev’ry single day
for a revolution
25 years of my life and still
I’m trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination

                                        –four non blondes

The first time I thought of this new blog name was when I was still working in a law office. It was during those times that I literally needed a friend and there was no one to turn to, or should I say nobody worthwhile at all. And besides, my schedule was so hectic back then and I basically had no time to spare to this idea. Not even during my lunchbreaks because I was always on call. But I felt the need for a breathing space that’s why this idea continue to linger in my mind. Eventually, I resigned from that office and this so called need had not materialized ’til now. So this is it and I am somehow glad that I managed to start this one. This is dedicated to all my closest friends in the world!!! mwahh!!!